JOURNALS

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If I should die before my veins stretch across my body, resembling tree roots reaching in and out of earth and flesh, I want you to know I am a sinner. I lived as a disbeliever full of anger towards a negligent, almighty God. As the sexually impure woman placing lust above love because I was taught to believe I was unworthy. I was the drinker desperately clinging to the false sense of freedom discovered through intoxication. I existed as the poor, abused, and fatherless clinging to homes found through apathy and distortion, yet God still held my hand every night as I prayed for him to take my life. He still sent humans to love me when I was most unlovable, and they extended his grace despite knowing I would disappoint them every day.

 

Each season taught me gentleness. I learned how to be patient with brokenness and empathetic towards the lost ones. Bravery and I stood together in solidarity. We embraced fear until he walked away from us, sacrificially. I cannot confidently say I ever successfully loved sacrificially, but I have embraced people for who they are without demeaning their existence. My past has taken me to places deemed "ungodly," yet these are the places where I found God existed the most. I experienced God in the smiles of the broken. In the nonbeliever's hopes. I felt him while embracing the humans who have never been loved the way God intended. These people held onto my soul differently.

 

Their eyes were the windows in which their innocence still existed, begging to have what this cruel world stole. With every glance, they only asked to belong somewhere. So I taught myself how to become a place of love and truth. To vocalize appreciation and always swallow my pride. I took the shape of what people needed. It became my greatest gift from God. People introduced me to a million worlds hidden behind their eyes, and through the sinner's joy, God gifted me a glimpse of heaven.

 

It is the earth returned to its original state before humanity befriended greed. It is populated by every oppressed human religion excluded. The beautiful ones damned to hell for being unholy. Except in heaven, they are the favored ones free to be who they are without persecution. There, justice is as immeasurable as the ocean, and love is as immense as our universe. Our human hearts cannot fathom its perfection. It is a place where healing becomes a final destination, and we will arrive whole, with everything we ever lost returned.

 

I lost so much in this mortal life, and in return, gained an eternal soul. If it were not for the people who extended their kindness to me, I would have never met divinity. So if I should die before I age know I lived with joy and died surrounded by love. Now my soul is God’s to hold.

IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I AGE

July 14, 2019