JOURNALS

20161117_184327_edited_edited.jpg

Recently, fear has consumed me. I was in a car accident a few weeks ago, and I believe this is what triggered my fear. I was driving when suddenly a driver ran a stop sign and rammed into the right side of my car. I watched the passenger side door dent in, and the airbags explode before I blacked out. The next thing I remember was feeling a great sense of serenity. I could not see anything, and all I could hear was the sound of air passing by as if I were sitting in front of an open window listening to a calm breeze.

I thought I had died. I even asked God if I was dead. Then, I heard a voice calmly tell me to hit the brakes. "Hit the brakes. Hit the brakes. Hit the brakes. Hit the brakes." As I transitioned back into this world, I realized I had taken my foot off the pedals altogether. My foot struggled to find the brakes, and once I did, I cautiously hit them. At this moment, I could finally see what was in front of me. I was looking at trees and realized I had turned into someone's front yard. I began to panic. I frantically unbuckled my seatbelt and stepped out of my car.

I saw that I managed to swerve out of oncoming traffic, avoid hitting a car stopped in the turning lane head-on, and drove into a yard on my side of the road missing a massive telephone pole by a couple of feet. There are so many reasons I should have been severely injured or possibly dead. Instead, I walked out of this experience with no physical injuries, some PTSD, and a totaled car. The other driver was uninjured as well with only a dent in their bumper. However, we were both shaking pretty bad. I do not know about them, but I cried myself to sleep. So many negative visions played on repeat. I remembered that this was how my grandmother had died. The passenger-side door hit her body so hard that it caused fatal, internal bleeding. I had nightmares of my family being in the car with me. I could see their panicked faces saying goodbye not knowing if it would be the last time. It was excruciating.

This experience triggered many fears for me. It brought to light how unready I am to leave this world and how afraid I am to see my family suffer. Death is not scary, nor what happens after death. There is a utopic place to go after death. I am excited to be reunited with all the people I have lost, especially my father. One day, I will meet him in heaven where he is whole, healed, and without suffering. However, I am in no rush. I experienced my family's suffering after losing our father. I heard their cries and felt the void knowing there was nothing I could do to help them. I do not want to be another reason for them to mourn. I do not want to leave my mom's side. We are all we have in this world. I work so hard to build a brighter future for all of us, and I do not want anyone to miss this experience. It would tear my existence apart to know the people I love painfully, lived in this world never experiencing God's love, joy, and fruitfulness.

This accident also acted as a reminder of how fragile life is. Even after losing my father, I sometimes get so caught up in life that I forget it could be over in a blink of an eye. Taking love for granted is a great disservice to ourselves and everyone around us. You should value every sound they make (even the farts), every laugh (even if they are because of the farts), every glance (even if they are not looking at you), and be present in every moment you get to express love and accept love.

July 27, 2019

Be present in every moment you get to express love and accept love.
Express and accept love as often as you can. This life is unpredictable, and you never know which moment will be your last.

FullSizeRender.jpeg